22 July 2008


So.......yesterday I was feeling really nostaligic. Because yesterday my mind was reeling from reading Deathly Hallows--I'd finished it at 9:30 in the morning, then walked in a half-awake state around the grocery store, then fell asleep on my bed at 4:00 in the afternoon after being awake for 32 hours. During that "nap," I had a horrible dream in which Luna and Ginny died. I woke up, panicked, at 6:00 in the evening, grabbed Deathly Hallows to make sure they didn't, and got confused for a while whether it was morning or evening because no one was home.

Basically, I was really upset yesterday. Because now I KNOW what happened. I'm never again going to experience the wondering and worrying over who will die/what will happen in the next book. I'm likely never going to go to another midnight release again, unless 'The Scottish Book' is released at midnight. I'm never going to have the opportunity to see just how wrong my theories were (actually, a surprising number of mine were right) and stare in amazement at how much stuff John Noe got right (lol). I'm never again going to smell a new Harry Potter book, not that smell that excites me and scares me at the same time. I'm never going to be lost in suspense, unable to put the book down even to go to the bathroom (yeah, I carried the book with me). And I'm likely never going to stay up ALL night, reading nonstop for 9 hours. I'm probably never going to burst into tears when I hold a book ever again. I might never cry so hard when I read a book. And I'm never again going to feel so tiredly giddy when I close a book and read the words, "All was well."

It's like...now I know what happens. A year and 32 hours ago, I didn't. Wow. It's so hard to believe that it's been a year. Like I said, this has been an amazing year. Harry/the fandom have brought me so much that I doubt I would've experienced otherwise.

But that doesn't stop me from missing the excitement and the wonder and the worrying and all the emotions that came with HP book releases (especially Deathly Hallows). I wish there was more...and I'm kind of sad it's over. I don't know why this hit me so hard yesterday, but it did. I almost started crying yesterday. *sniff* And, yes, I know that Harry Potter isn't dead--the fandom is just as alive as ever. But the books are over, and that's something no one can try to get out of.

Once again, thank you for everything, Jo and Harry!

(A year ago today I was in the car on the way to go hiking, listening to my dad reading the Harry Potter book (chapters 11-14) out loud to my stepmom. And I was also trying to keep from crying in front of her about Fred, because she didn't know yet.)



wirpsamaria said...

My dear, this is quite profound. That you have post-partum Deathly Hallows slump a year after makes sense. A year of rush, and intensity, and analysis, and connection, and -- like any loss or grief cycle -- anniversaries bring up knew awareness and feelings. Good for you for recognizing that something that has been such a part of your life is changing....that is the only thing we can count on in life, change. Good news is, if impermanence is the rule, the yukky stuff too shall pass; but then so must those things that just make us oogle with joy transform.

You will find other literary involvements that will want to make you read all night long, I promise. The emotions might never be the same of course, but how could they at 15, 16, 25, 40......each stage and encounter brings its gifts.

All my love,


wirpsamaria said...
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