08 May 2008

Harry Potter thoughts!

At last! Cause I made a mistake in the last post--I actually meant to post this on Monday. *goes to double check* Yeah. MONDAY. Jeez. I'm usually better at doing things like this when I actually mean to do them, but apparently not this time...

Well, as I'm sure pretty much all y'all know by now, I am a huge Harry Potter fan. I'd hazard a guess at the biggest Harry Potter fan in Colorado, but I have zero confirmation on that. So never mind. It's a huge part of my life--the conferences/conventions, the Reading Groups, my friends, Leaky, wizard rock, fanfiction, HP poetry...the majority of things in my life have some connection to Harry Potter. Unfortunately for me, none of my friends are really big into Harry Potter. Most have read it, but think I'm absolutely crazy for my obsession. And maybe I am. I'm a crazy Harry Potter nerd, and just pretty much a nerd in general. Granted, I have a rather small group of friends, but that doesn't change the fact that none of them understand my obsession.

I've written a paper on Connecting Through Harry Potter (SQUEE!!!), I've written several poems, one that people said made them cry, participated in THREE Reading Groups on the Lounge, written a Chapter Summary for Chapter Seventeen of DH, written a thread on the Weasleys, began many topics, listened to PotterCast for a year, bought wizard rock songs, danced alone in my room to said songs, made CDs of filks and songs that make me think of Harry Potter, laughed to myself while listening to PotterCast and dutifully ignoring the strange looks, done a test pack for Terminus, attempted to write fanfic, filmed videos that I can't figure out how to upload, made two and half page long pms to my friends, spent evenings searching the Lexicon for activities that happened on specific dates, opened all but one of the secrets on Jo's website, and searched for days trying to find the exact date of the Battle of Hogwarts.

I am guilty of being a hopeless Neville fangirl, owning an HP backpack, Ravenclaw scarf, tie, HP notebooks, a Gryffindor shirt, a Dumbledore's Army shirt, and of saving my Hogwarts journal for eight years. I am guilty of staying up for hours listening to PotterCast and squeeing when I first heard Jo would be interviewed. I am guilty of spending my Saturday listening to a 12-hour live MuggleCast. I am guilty of, at one point, subscribing to five different Harry Potter podcasts until my laptop couldn't handle it all and I had to settle for the best, PotterCast. I am guilty of shamelessly mourning characters for days. I am guilty of coming up with outrageous theories for Deathly Hallows, sharing them with others, and laughing. I am guilty of bursting into tears when I first held Deathly Hallows in my hands. I am guilty of turning into a human hosepipe during Deathly Hallows and crying when: Ron left, Dobby died, Fred died, Remus and Tonks died, Hedwig died, when Ron came back, when Snape died, and being a sobbing mess during the entire chapter of "The Forest Again." I am guilty of making my own cork necklace and radish earrings from scratch and dressing as Luna for Halloween. And, I am guilty of ripping the paper off of the OotP movie at Yule and watching it that night.

I draw the Deathly Hallows symbol on EVERYTHING. My notes and binders are covered with Harry Potter doodles. I spend nights attempting to draw fanart. I search for hours for funny, sincere, and heartfelt fanart. I cry when I hear some filks, and laugh when I hear others. I watch videos on YouTube by people I've never met just because they are Harry Potter fans. Sadly, the majority of my friends are people I've never actually met in real life but whom are my Leaky friends. And, I confess that I'm closer to all of them than I am to my "real-life" friends. I spend my Saturdays participating in RG chats. I do my RG thoughts before my homework and feel guilty when I am late. When PotterCast is late, my Mondays are automatically worse. I am constantly sad that no wizard rock comes to Colorado Springs. Often, my days of the week are measured by something Harry Potter related, as is my time. I have better conversations online than I do in real life. I share things with my HP friends that I would never share with anyone else. I trust these people more than anything else in my life. I squee during class even though no one understands why. After a year of Sue, I now say that everything yellow is Hufflepuff. I admit to being an emotional wreck the entire month of July with anxiety and anticipation. I connect the most random things to Harry Potter.

I downloaded Skype in an attempt to connect with my international HP friends, and cried when it didn't install properly. I bought a microphone so that I could send messages to PotterCast. I have printed out fanart and pasted it all over my room. I've researched Harry Potter things more thoroughly than I've ever researched a paper for school. I spent three days after first finishing Deathly Hallows making an HP memorial on my wall. I entered in just about every HP contest possible, but have still not met Jo! I dressed up for the OotP movie premiere. I payed for Terminus myself so I could go. I planned my entire summer around Terminus, and spent the past three months writing out my paper. I have hit my friend around the head with my Ravenclaw scarf for saying that Hufflepuffs are lame, and thrown a pen at another friend for not knowing who Luna was. I have read PS at least 30 times, CoS at least 20, PoA at least 30, GoF at least 20, OotP at least 15, HBP 14, and DH seven times already.

I stayed up all night reading Deathly Hallows and then proceeded to cry for days over the deaths. I experienced a horrible case of "Post-Potter Depression" and didn't know how to express that for the longest time. I took out my feelings by spending the rest of my summer on the Lounge, and randomly crying at videos, songs, and anything that reminded me.

There's so much more than that, but, most importantly, I both cry and smile that the books and my journey with Harry are over. I'm eternally thankful of what this journey has taught me and given me: friends, love, ideas, growth, and strength.

Wow. That was long, and if you read all that, THANK YOU!!!!!! But, despite all those things that I just listed, this is my potentially irrational fear: I have absolutely no proof that I'm a big Harry Potter fan.

I fail miserably at making videos on YouTube. I can't draw fanart, and even if I could, I have no clue how to put it anywhere. I've tried writing fanfiction, but it didn't go anywhere and no one commented, so I gave that up too. I don't have the friends, ability, or instruments to do wizard rock and I'm too shy to record filks for anyone. I lack the technological competence to record a podcast and I don't have the friends to do it with anyway. I don't run a website, forum, or even a fan group. My only outlet right now is poetry that no one reads and writing in-depth theses and papers on Harry Potter.

So.......I don't have any public way to prove that I'm a fanatic, and somehow that makes a part of me feel empty. And you know what would make me really happy? If anyone does read this, shoot me a comment or e-mail with either assurance that my fear has no base or ideas on how to publicly show my obsession. Because I feel like I need to get this settled or I'm going to break down completely into a ball of tears. And I hate doing that.


Frits said...

It is absolutely not true that you are not a fan! You're doing something for Prophecy, that's pretty big! I wouldn't worry if I were you!

Rachel said...

You are totally a fan! (This is DeathlyHallower from the lounge in case you were wondering) You participate incredibly on the RGs and you wrote a paper for Terminus. That's huge! I feel the same way sometimes about not really being able to actively participate in the community with things like fanart or wrock, but that doesn't define whether you're a fan or not. You have a love, an obsession, of the books and Harry Potter as a whole, and you proudly show it. That's what I consider a fan.